Giving the gift of listening.

KEVIN PUFFER·FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 2018

I’m sure some folks believe that when they are talking, they are giving someone else the gift of their scintillating knowledge, their sage opinion, or their personal experience, and that may actually often be the case. Other people possess knowledge, opinions, and experiences that we don’t and when they share these commodities with us we benefit from them. We know others don’t have to share information that may, or may not be useful to us, so of course we should try to accept ideas from other people as a gift, even if we feel it is a gift we really don’t care to keep. But I wonder how often we consider that whoever is listening to us speak is also giving us the precious gift of listening. You may realize, as I do, that being heard is a grace, but unfortunately the grace of “listening to understand” is becoming more and more rare. It seems our society has developed a glut of “talking” mouths and a dearth of “listening” ears. But we understand that for social communication to work, there really has to be a 1:1 ratio of talking and listening. The closer we come to achieving this ideal ratio, the better our communication.

When someone takes the time to listen to understand us, they are really giving us the precious gift of their attention. In the Book of James (in The Bible), the author says “ So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” This verse is set within the context of enduring trials and suffering, reminding us that when we are mistreated we should keep our temper calm and our mouths shut, focusing on (and rejoice in) the growth that God is producing through the suffering. But the reach of this sage admonition goes much further than just enduring specific trials; it is also sound advice for daily Christian living. James is not saying communication is perfected when there is much more listening than talking, but rather we are reminded to take intentional steps to be ready listeners at all times, giving others the gift of our attention. Attentive listening lifts society against the prevalent gravity of too many self-indulgent talkers. If you think about it, the best gifts are often those of the rarest commodities, and since listening is much more rare than talking, we give better gifts when we give the gift of attentively listening to the ideas of another person, which is a much more precious gift than when we share our own ideas with them.

But the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers. And above all things have fervent love for one another, for "love will cover a multitude of sins."
Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. If anyone speaks, let him speak as the oracles of God. If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 4:7-11 (NKJV)

By-the-way, I realize that by reading this note you have been listening to me, and so I thank you very much for your gift of listening.

Grandchildren are a lot like an amusement Ride.

Having Grandchildren is not for the faint of heart. The task can be managed however if you keep in mind some of the same rules as would be applicable for a ride at an amusement park.

Here are some tips to keep in mind from a multi-season-pass holder.

• ALL PARK RULES ARE TO BE OBSERVED: Be familiar with ALL parental rules. Observe all height and age restrictions and pay careful attention to instructions issued by the parents, hereafter referred to as "ride operators". Explain all rules you have been given to your grandchild(ren) prior to letting your grandchild(ren) do anything, even the rules you have no intention of following. Emphasize the importance of following these rules, just because it's just good to have a base from which to deviate. With that groundwork, NEVER allow anything to keep you from breaking any or all of these rules when your grand-parenting intuition calls for it. Remember, You are the wise elder here. Also remember your kids broke all the rules you gave them and they survived.

• BEHAVIOR: Keep all hands, arms, and legs inside the ride at all times. This pertains specifically to the grandparents, but is not realistically expected of the grandchildren. Unsafe horseplay and irresponsible behavior will be sufficient reason for expulsion from any activity. This also pertains specifically to the grandparents, but is not realistically expected of the grandchildren.

• IMAGINATION: Be sure to use all of the safety equipment provided by the operator. Much of the safety equipment provided can be imaginatively employed to make forts, dollhouses, obstacle courses, etc. Nothing is what it seems anymore.

• HANDRAILS: Hold onto all handrails, when provided. Many things can be considered a handrail.

• BEDTIME: Remain in the ride until it comes to a full and complete stop. If a ride stops temporarily, due to mechanical failure or other reason, stay seated and wait for the ride to start up again or for the operator to give your further instructions.

• KNOW YOUR ENDURANCE: Stop riding before you get excessively tired, to avoid injuries or illnesses.

• SOBRIETY: Never ride while under the influence of alcohol or drugs. However, do not forget to remain hydrated. Remember to drink frequently while visiting this amusement, especially on a hot day. Also provide ample drinks for those in your care. They don’t put cupholders on every single piece of equipment just to hold lego’s and hair ties you know.

• AWARENESS OF IMPENDING TROUBLE: Don’t board the ride if you see broken parts, signs of improper maintenance, or an inattentive operator. Before agreeing to participate, you also should listen to the ride (does it sound like it is in need of repair), and not necessarily to the banal excuses of the parental operator. You can learn a great deal about a ride and its condition from just looking and listening. Follow your instincts; if something about a ride seems suspicious, don't ride it. Insist the ride be properly serviced by a professional parent before you agree to interact with it.

• FORGET ABOUT FASHION: Wear loose and comfortable clothing and shoes when visiting this amusement. Do not bother to comb your hair, put on clean clothes, or otherwise try to look good in any way. It won’t last as long as it took you to do it anyway.

• BREAKS: Take frequent breaks. Even short naps are very refreshing. Seasoned riders learn how to take quick naps while sharing a book, playing hide-and-seek, or watching a video. Listen to your body, and let it tell you when a break is needed.

• LIMITS: Participate responsibly. You should be in good health to ride safely. Know your physical conditions and limitations and make them known to others. If you suspect that your health could be at risk for any reason, or you could aggravate a pre-existing condition of any kind by riding a ride and/or device, DO NOT RIDE! Set these boundaries early and don’t be afraid to exaggerate them a bit, knowing they will generally be disregarded anyway.

• ROLE: Never never never forget your place and your role. It is too easy to think you are still an operator and forget that you have transitioned to the role of extravagant provider of all things fun and delicious. Do not forget this and Never never never allow the operators to forget this. Support your operators in all their naïve efforts; new-age rules, hyper-protective encumbrances, and faddish diets for their children. M&M’s never hurt any kid.

Quick to hear



KEVIN PUFFER·FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2017


I have been told (almost daily) in recent weeks, that “silence is acceptance”, and to not participate in the social media civil war that most of the country seems to be engaged in is tantamount to being unpatriotic or apathetic. I strongly disagree.

I’m old enough to remember several previous administrations, going back to J.F. Kennedy, who was well liked and well known for many things, (one of which was his blatant philandering). I can’t remember a single administration that did not have its dissidents or vocal opposition. Freedom to express an opinion is woven into the fabric of our democracy and includes both well-reasoned fact -based opinions and emotionally charged fact-starved opinions informed by too much hatred, misinformation, peer-pressure, and ugly bias. In this country, expressing an opinion is a right, not a duty. Civility however is a duty, not an option. Not expressing an opinion is likewise a right and oftentimes prudent. Refusing to engage or participate in pointless contention, name-calling, hyperbole, fact manipulation, and other negative forms of expression is no indication that one lacks an opinion. (Proverbs 26:4) 

The things that seem to outrage folks and make enemies of friends today are often a minor variations on old themes; that is, much of what we see today we have seen before. But, did we see the same  people outraged over similar actions that happened in the past? Were the same people also engaged in public protests, violent vitriol, name-calling and character assassination when previous administrations did the same thing? Did they produce the same division among family and friends, the same disrespect, abstention from ceremony by elected officials, gloom and doom pontificating, unchecked hyperbole, hatred, and fear mongering when… 

• A previous administration imposed much more burdensome requirements on the refugee program (2011) then this most recent one, after it was discovered that two Iraqis who had been granted asylum were guilty of terrorism. (result, number of immigrant refugees in 2010: 18,251. number in 2011 6,339)
• A previous administration signed a defense bill (Dec 31, 2011) granting the executive office the authority to detain anyone at any time.
• A previous administration approved another law (March 7, 2011) cementing a system of military commissions that impeded the right to a fair trial.
• A previous commander-in-chief authorized drone operators to kill (up to) 117 foreign civilians (non-combatants) .
• Under a previous commander-in-chief, drone operators killed an American citizen (2015) but failed to reveal it for several months, or when drones accidentally killed other American citizens previous to that (2002 Darwish, 2009, 2011 Awlaka Khan, 2013 Mohammad).
• A previous commander-in-chief assembled a secret “kill list” (2012) of those he wanted targeted and liquidated.
• A previous commander-in-chief authorized extensive use of American drones in Yemen; a US run terror operation that is said to have caused an entire generation there to be crippled by PTSD.
• A previous commander-in-chief launched an illegal war in Libya without obtaining congressional approval, only for that country to deteriorate into jihadist bedlam.
• A previous commander-in-chief backed a gruesome Saudi bombing campaign in Yemen that’s resulted in mass starvation and untold civilian deaths.
• The most recent x-commander-in-chief deployed American troops to at least five different countries, without Congressional approval, citing the authorization for use of military force that was passed after 9/11 while telling the American people we “will not put boots on the ground”.
• The previous administration attempted to exclude a single news crew from the White House press pool because the administration didn’t like that particular network’s critical coverage.
• The most recent administration’s communications staffer, Anita Dunn, denegrated Fox news as “either the research arm or the communications arm of the Republican Party.”
• The most recent administration literally tried to obtain a warrant against a Fox reporter under the Espionage Act
• The most recent administration harvested two months’ worth of phone records from the Associated Press.
• The most recent administration and previous secretary of state blamed the filmmaker Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, and his anti-Muslim satire video, as the cause of the 2012 terrorist attack in Benghazi, causing Nakoula to be imprisoned and impoverished.
• The executive branch used the IRS to suppress the legal activities of the tea party
• The executive branch forced through a law that required American individuals and families to purchase health insurance regardless of whether they want it or could afford it, and imposed punitive fines on those who choose to not buy or could not buy health insurance.
• The executive branch denied the most Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests in history or when he used the FOIA fee system to favor friendly political groups.
• The executive branch illegally claimed the authority to accept illegal immigrants as citizens thereby insulting those who properly obtained their citizenship legally.
• The executive branch coerced telecom companies and internet companies into surrendering their customers’ private information.
• Many US Presidents going back decades have held states hostage with the threat of withdrawing federal funds if they don’t comply with various mandates.
• The Affordable Care Act became law, and it handed unprecedented extensive power (over one sixth of the American economy) to a single unelected health bureaucrat.
• The passage of the Clean Air Act gave broadly sweeping power to The EPA which allows it to do whatever it likes. Under this act police literally legally steal people’s property through the license of civil asset forfeiture.

You may have agreed with some of the executive acts (above) and may have disagreed with some of them. I admit I did not even remember some of the things on the above list myself until I was reminded of them by several recent reports. Some I barely remember, some I discussed with others, some I kept quiet about, some still bother me today, and some inform how I vote. You may have spoken out publicly or privately at the time, or you may have kept your opinion to yourself. If you spoke, others heard you. If you voted, the nation heard you. When you did speak, others heard you even if they didn’t’ agree with you. Others heard you even if they didn’t respond by sharing their own opinion with you. But from my vantage point it is difficult to give much credence to a strong opinion about a current executive action when there was no similar outcry by the same people when previous administrations made similar executive actions. It seems hypocritical at worst, or naively unfamiliar with recent history at best. A deeper dive into history reveals similar or worse executive actions going back well before my memory. Past wrongs don’t make present rights, of course; misdeeds of the past do not excuse misdeeds of today. But, only squawking about the current administration because you don’t like the current president while you blinked at similar things in the past because you liked the sitting administration is duplicitous, and frankly, unworthy of much attention. If you want others to pay attention to you, be consistent. Bein inconsistent makes me think you are not really trying to make the world better, but only trying to pick and win a fight. I have no interest in that kind of senseless contention. 

Furthermore, it is unjust to be told that because I’m not acting out in the same way as someone else over current situations, that those things must not bother me. They may or may not bother me. The way I'm acting may just be my way, and my way is not be the same as your way, and nothing more.  I’m not acting out in the same way as you does not mean I don’t have a valid opinion. I do. I will express my opinion in the way I feel is prudent and helpful, thank you. If you want my opinion, just ask me. I’m happy to share my point of view with you, but only if you are willing to listen. If you are not inclined to listen, I will not be inclined to speak.  I observe many expressing their point of view loudly and frequently, but I see too little evidence of folks asking for, or actually listening to others point of view. 

To my Christian friends, my beloved brethren,  let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:2 


- James 1:19-20

I realize that

there is much more that I don’t see than what I do,

there is much more that I can’t see than what I can;

but, is there more that I won’t see than what I will?

Your mercy, O LORD, is in the heavens;

      Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.
Your righteousness is like the great mountains;

      Your judgments are a great deep;

O LORD, You preserve man and beast.

I realize that

there is much more that I don’t know than what I do,

there is much more that I can’t know than what I can;

so, are there things that I refuse to know  that I could?

How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!

      Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wings.
They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,

      And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.
For with You is the fountain of life;

      In Your light we see light.

I realize that

there is much more that I don’t do than what I do,

there is much more that I can’t do than what I can;

so, how much more is there that I am capable of, but I neglect?

Oh, continue Your lovingkindness to those who know You,

      And Your righteousness to the upright in heart.
Let not the foot of pride come against me,

      And let not the hand of the wicked drive me away.

Psalm 36:5-11 (NKJV)